I Am Now Entitled to Act Single. Very, very single.

Remind me to never act upon my impulses again so I can refrain from having a 100-lb regret hunch. As of 11:30 am this morning, I told SF that I think we should try dating again, focusing on how happy this made me inside since, you know, I figured the ball was in my court. I could tell within two seconds that this came as somewhat of a shock to SF here, which I tried to ignore and find the right words to make him understand. All my self-conscious, hesitant rambling boiled down to, "I still like you." After a long pause from him, he said he'd give it today to think about it. Bam. [Insert wrong answer buzz here.]

And just like that, the child in me was shot straight to hell, lying in a heap of ash and dead leaves with an arrow in her chest, tongue hanging out and all (that's probably the best way to describe it). It didn't help matters that I had a head and neck ache from sleeping so awkwardly these passed few days.

"Give me today to think about it," he says. And I know, just from that line, that we will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, get back together again. I won't even sleep in his bed ever again or go in his car or ask for a favor only he would say yes to. And that's okay, because I got what ever I needed from him in the 4 months we were together anyway... at least that's what keeps me from feeling quite sad about all this.

One minute we were laughing at phonetic lyric videos on YouTube, the next I leap out of his bed, pull my jeans on and grab my stuff like I'm late for the next happy part of my life to get here already. He dropped me off at my building and I wanted so badly to say, "Forget what I said. I was being stupid," before marching off. But I didn't. The opportunity came yet my mouth wouldn't open. There was a tightness in my chest keeping it in. But the marching off did happen, and so did the suppressed crying, as confused as I was about that. I couldn't pinpoint it to one thing; there were too many reasons to justify it.... He doesn't like me anymore.

Ah well. I'm already over it.