Restaurant: Umami Burger...Yeah, that's right.

The first word that comes to mind is unexpected. It's dark and atmospheric (at the one I went to anyway) with the looks of a bar but the feel of a sophisticated, you-gotta-be-willing-to-spend kind of restaurant. The menu is a narrow piece of paper with about 10 or 11 burgers. Flip it over and there's sides and condiments. Done. As I scrolled through, I realized there was no vegetarian burger and panicked. I was there with Big Man and Bigger Man. Bigger Man assured me there was a vegetarian option it's just not on the menu. You have to ask, which we did. The waiter said the vegetarian was a portobello burger with a parmesan crisp. He had me at "portobello." "That. I'll take it," I said before he could finish. Big Man ordered the truffle burger. Bigger Man ordered a lamb burger. We got house pickles as an appetizer and sweet potato and regular fries and tempura onion rings as sides.

The house pickles consisted of pickled hearts of palm, red cabbage, 2 different pickles, and carrot with ginger. I tried the hearts of palm first, which were quite good. Then the carrot. I coughed for a little while a made a grotesque face without warning. My entire tongue and throat shrunk and started to burn. It was like pickled jalapeno. I tried one of the pickles and it had the same effect. The only thing I really liked was the red cabbage because of the smooth, crunchy texture.

Our burgers came rather quickly, each on individual rectangular plates with nothing on them but the burger. Just plate and sandwich. And they're not even luxuriously large burgers either. They're savor-the-bite small. Very european. The sides came in their own separate bowls with Japanese soup spoons filled with garlic mayonnaise, house-made ketchup, and more very strong hot sauce.

My portobello was cushioned between two warm, salty, pillowy brioche buns. Despite the absence of the parmesan crisp, it was more than tasty enough. I could see on top of the juicy mushroom was a crushed tomato that tasted sweet and deep and tomatoey with caramelized onions and whatever soft yumminess was on there. It was the perfect burger, meat or no meat.

I tried the regular fries in the dark ketchup and knew immediately it wasn't Heinz. Bigger Man said they make their own and it tasted a bit sweeter with Worcestershire, more meatiness and layers. Almost barbeque.

I did indeed savor every bite of my burger, but 20 minutes later it was time for dessert. Our waiter told us about a brand new dessert called the "UFO." He went through the entire dessert list successfully, but Big Man decided on the UFO quickly, more for shits and giggles. I got the rich-people version of a Ding Dong. And Bigger Man settled on a classic ice cream sandwich. When they were brought out to us, again, we didn't see it coming. Big Man's UFO is essentially a big oatmeal cookie with vanilla cream that's been deep fried and placed on a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Two bites in, he says, "I have no idea what I'm eating," and we cracked up. "This could be anything, I wouldn't know." My dessert was only known as a "raspberry velvet." It's basically a Ding Dong only with red velvet cake, vanilla cream, a thin layer of raspberry, and, like, dark Belgian chocolate on the outside. Absolutely divine. Bigger Man's ice cream sandwich was a soft cookie (same size as my Ding Dong) half-dipped in chocolate with the ice cream between. I ate mine up in about 3 minutes flat. As soon as Big Man finished his, he pushed the bowl away and said, "I shouldn't have done that." "You'll be feeling that later," Bigger Man joked.

And I was completely content with a warmness in my belly. I knew an abnormally crappy start to my day had to finish exceptionally well to balance it out.