I have a bubble to pop.

I tried writing this article a few weeks ago but found it very hard to word and didn't know enough so I gave up on it, and I also wasn't sure exactly why I was sharing it. Maybe because I have no idea what the answer is? Nothing significant has happened in a while. No one died. I don't particularly miss anyone far away. Things at school aren't anything to complain about, really. Everything seems perfectly fine when I'm with someone or know someone is nearby. But for some reason, when I'm left to my own devices, I can't stand myself. My brain relapses into this dark corner and triggers that heavy cry to start up but something stops it and the heaviness just lingers because it has nowhere to go. It's like being emotionally cock-blocked, I'm serious.

One night, when I knew I had to leave SF's apartment so he could work and both roomies weren't at my apartment, I abruptly stormed out in a silent fury with him calling after me to stop and almost made it out the building before finally halting. "What're you doing?" he asked me. "Going." "Are you pissed at me?" I waited a moment and then shook my head, not even able to look at him. "Look at me. Look at me. Are you pissed at me?" No again. "Are you okay?" I shrugged, holding in the hugest cry of my life. And I had no idea what the cause was. None. So I gave him a limp hug and then left, squeezing out a few tears in my car as I drove home. It's the same deal every time my apartment is completely silent from the absence of company. My throat tightens into an angry ball but nothing else happens. I become a volcano with no peak and I become extremely irritable. I even texted my mom once, "It feels like my brain is itching." And I wasn't exaggerating. It really did feel that way. I didn't even want to talk to her about it because it always seems like she never listens and just gives vague answers and doesn't care or understand what I'm telling her at all, like it'll go away like a scent in the wind. Not so. The other time was when I went to SF's apartment to help him clean because if I spent one more second alone I was going to start throwing knives at the wall. I even asked Roomie if she felt "severely depressed" when alone for a long time and she said only a little, but not severely. There's an enormous bubble inside of me and I have to pop it. I just don't know how. Does anyone have any idea why it's there? Because I don't. Anyone? Anyone at all...?