I hadn't slept at all the night before and that annoyed me. The next day was shopping day with Roomie and Friend (here comes a day of I'm-right-and-you're-wrong and possibly some told-you's from Friend) at the Grove, the mother of all outdoor shopping centers, also equipped with a Farmer's Market. In the car on the way there, I realized I'd left my wad of money at home in a drawer. Fail. Why did I have to be the one to forget it? Oh, well, I could always come back another day.
Victoria's Secret came first for bathing suits. I stood in a dressing room with Roomie and Friend while they strategically slipped in and out of their bras and bathing suit tops/bottoms so no one would see an unwanted nipple or crotch shot. I thought we were old enough to not care about that sort of thing, but clearly my mother is just too comfortable around me in dressing rooms. Then came Quicksilver, Pacsun (both very briefly for more bathing suits), and Gap Body, my new discovery. I quite liked it's simplicity and uber-soft hipster panties with two buttons sewed on front. Then Forever 21. Lord, it was packed and I'm not one to pay attention to that many people at once to avoid bumping into them. So I browsed for as long as my attention span would allow knowing I couldn't actually buy anything. Bleh. It was getting close to 2 and I was weak and starving. Roomie bought a bag of clothes and Friend and I went to Anthropologie, my guilty pleasure, before heading back to the sushi restaurant, Kabuki, under our apartment building. I got a huge combination plate of teriyaki salmon, a bowl of salad, a bowl of rice, and a plate of tempura. I ate everything but the remainder of the salad and tempura. In the meantime I sent SF a text saying, "Hi," to which he never responded. This made me overly skeptical (bring on the sweat drops!) unfortunately.
Roomie and Friend said they were ready to walk to H&M and Forever 21 on Hollywood Blvd since they were bigger stores. Walking for 20 minutes with a full belly and one very oblivious SF on my mind did not sound appealing at all and I was getting sleepy fast. So I said I'd rather stay and take a nap.
I didn't. I got home and popped in Titanic on my laptop like an idiot, texting SF, "Are you doing anything later?" He replied 45 minutes later with, "I'm editing later. But nothing I can't do tomorrow." "Did you do anything today?" Maybe this would explain his phone silence? "Watched season 3 Supernatural." A TV show. A TV show?! Argh, I wanted to punch his nads! I became heated and confused and feeling like I was still missing a massive part of the picture here. Why the hell did we even bother anymore?
Cue the eye sprinklers. I sat on my bed in my misery bubble, wishing the Titanic DVD hadn't frozen so I could just watch the damn thing and remember what real romance looked like. That was it. I got up and started folding all his leftover clothes into a Trader Joe's bag. There was half the progress, but it only made me cry more because I just realized I'd subconsciously decided to go through with this.
Roomie and Friend returned a few hours later with more clothes. I sat there for as long as I could with a smile, but once I told Friend about what I was going to tell him, I started to cry silently with my face in my arms, getting the sleeve of my pink sweatshirt damp. The two of them spent five minutes trying to make me feel better and told me everything would be fine, but I hated not knowing for sure. Once Roomie left to go exchange a Victoria's Secret bathing suit, I told Friend I just wanted to drive there now and get it over with. The suspense was killing me, eating away at me like that hideous camel spider (bad mental picture!). I wanted to hear his response to what he'd caused.
So I changed into decent clothes and headed out the door with his belongings. And lo and behold, I started to smile for real as I charged down the hall. Where was this incredibly random elation coming from? Just the fact that I felt certain again for once, or that I knew I'd be a free lil' lady once this was over? Both, I'm sure. I texted him saying I'd stop by.
7 minutes later I parked outside his building and tapped on his window with my phone. I hadn't brought his stuff with me, just left it in the car so he wouldn't immediately sense what was happening. Turns out I'm not so subtle. He answered the door shirtless, which was bound to happen one day, but today of all days? I slipped passed him but still saw him try to awkwardly kiss me, which I felt a little bad about. He got me outside his apartment door and I let it happen. One last smooch doesn't hurt. We sat one his couch and I listened to a couple minutes of small talk. I could already tell I was happier around him instead of over thinking everything. And finally I said plain as day, "I have your clothes in my car." "You kicking me out?" he smiled. I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing. "You are kicking me out," he snickered, not knowing exactly how seriously I was, in a sense, kicking him out, but I hate that term. It's not like he'll never be allowed in my apartment again. His tape nametag from months ago is still on my bed headboard.
And here came the words that would change everything: "No, I was just thinking that maybe we're better as friends instead of a... couple or whatever?" I wasn't expecting anything more or anything less than his exact reaction. "...Well, this day turned out different than I thought it would." We both giggled a little. And just like that, I felt like I did back in November and December when we were still friends without the added pressure; that ease was back and all expectations were gone except for the simple ones. "Let me get a shirt on," he said, "so I can have this conversation normally." He put on a grey wife beater and sat back down. "Okay, so that awkwardness really was both of us and not just me." "It's not awkward." "At the door... never mind. Um... I did see it coming just a little. It was 50/50." "Those are big numbers," I told him. "You think it should be 60/40?" "Yes," I laughed. We grew quiet again till he said, "This is a crappy day.... Well, I'd like to know what brought this about." "You don't know? Really?" I asked. "Well, I know I haven't really been around. I'd just like to hear it from you...." He was still smiling. It's not really in his nature to frown when he's put in a situation like this. He's going to joke because if he didn't, we'd both be in bad shape. "It was just little things.... Like, um, yesterday was Friday, and I was like, 'Yay, it's Friday. I get to hang out with [SF].'" "Oh," he moaned. "And I got out of class late and then I texted you but and you said you were at the party and it's like I have to text you to know what you're doing and wonder about it and you don't text me ahead of time." "Oh, I'm sorry," he said kindly. "And, I've just been sort of miserable these passed two weeks." "Aw, I'm sorry you were miserable," he told me. I shrugged. "Like, I've been defending you for the passed month to [Friend] and [Roomie], like, saying that you're not doing it on purpose. That you would never be mean on purpose. I guess they just thought you weren't really in the right zone... for this." "...So you were just looking for more of a couple-y relationship?" he asked. "Yes." He said he thinks he's loosing his mind a bit (dead serious) and that wasn't helping. He also asked if I was sure and I said no immediately. There were so many external factors triggering this and not enough internal ones that I wasn't sure how organic this was. If this was "supposed" to happen. So, yes, I wasn't sure. "Okay, do you want to just leave it in limbo and see what happens?" he asked. "Yeah," I smiled. "Okay... yeah, not how I thought today would go." And that was that.
I told him about how I forgot my money when I went shopping today and I'd like to go back to the Grove now that I had it. He agreed to go since we've been wanting to do something fun for a few days. On the way to my car he asked when I first decided to break us off and I said it was just a thought at first and I didn't think I would actually have to do it, especially not that day.
I laughed more than I had in a long time with him on the car ride to the Grove. After two minutes (I guess I was a bit distracted) he told me to pull into CVS so he could drive and I let him. We parked at Whole Foods and walked across the street. First was Victoria's Secret for a $22 neon turquoise sports bra (for my workouts). Then was Gap Body for, well, nothing since it was rather expensive. Then Anthropologie to look at their cardigans. But before I could even walk through the doors, SF restrained me (he knows how ridiculous their prices are) and I restrained back till he picked me up and said, "I thought you didn't want to go?" "I do!" I gasped, and he unleashed me. Forever 21 was most successful. I spent $96 on 6 lovely tops, including a Snoopy one he insisted I get because, "It's Snoopy! He's amazing." Alright, just for him for being such a great, patient sport while I shopped.
I was done after Forever 21 and it was dark and chilly out so we headed back to the car. I said we could go for a milkshake at Millions of Milkshakes (because what else could match such a happy feeling other than a fluffy puppy?) But Friend texted me asking where I was and told me to come back for girl's night. I figured what I was doing was better, but I had agreed to spend the night with Friend and Roomie. I said I'd better just head back and he said okay. We also agreed to go explore Bristol Farms the next day (today) since I'm very curious about it.
When we reached his place and it was time to part, I got out and went around to stand at the driver's side. We hugged and I got in. "I'll call you tomorrow," he told me. "No you won't." "...Okay, I won't?" he asked. "Well, you just always say that and you never do." "But I usually text you." "Yeah, but I take 'call' as [phone]call." "Ah, okay, then I will contact you tomorrow." "Okay," I smiled. "Okay, see ya." He shut the car door and waved.
I love the way he looks at me now, like my well-being is so very important. He just wants me to be all right and not miserable.
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